Dirty Little Secrets....

Well not really.  But I bet the title got ya didn't it????

I'm gonna do something I have NEVER ever done before.  I'm gonna talk weight.  Yea, you know that stuff that slows you down and makes you feel like crap.  The extra weight that is.  I have A LOT of it.

I haven't always had A LOT of weight, but you know that excuse, I don't have time.  Well it finally caught up with me, and I don't appreciate it at all!!

Let me start off saying that I have never been skinny, don't really know that I ever want to be skinny.  But I have also never really been thin.  I mean, I'm sure as a child I was thin, but it all bombed on me starting in the 6th grade when I volunteered in the school lunchroom.  Damn those school lunches.  Then puberty set in, good thing I don't have any male readers, hehehehe.  It's been said somewhere sometime that women on my Mom's side of the family tend to have weight issues after hitting puberty.  Again, likely excuse.  I think if you look at all the women on my Mom's side some just take better care of themselves and make sure that extra weight isn't an issue.  I confess, I'm sure they all do and I'm the ONLY one that has the extra weight issue.

I have tried many times over the last 18 years to lose weight.  Starting right after I had Cinderella in 1991.  I weighed 145 pounds before I had her and weighed in at 180 when I had her.  I think I was able to get down to 160 thereafter but that was as low as I was able to get.  When I got pregnant with the Baseball Stud at 22 I weighed 180, there again I had gained 20 pounds in the 5 years I had Cinderella.  One of the best things about this pregnancy was that I took better care of myself.  I was no longer the naive 16yr old who thought she could eat anything and everything and be okay.  Side Note: I do realize that you all now know I was 16 when I had Cinderella so I will give you a moment to pick yourselves up off the floor...... Good, we all better now.  Let's continue.  When I had the Baseball Stud, who mind you was A LOT bigger than his sister I had only gained 12 pounds.  Now before you yell at me for only gaining 12 pounds you should know that my doctor was proud of me, and said I was fine.  I had plenty of fat reserves as he said, so I didn't have to worry about the weight gain.

So after having the Baseball Stud I went back down to 180.  Then somehow out of nowhere I went back up to 200.  I don't know how that could have happened???  I'm sure it wasn't all the food I was eating and lack of exercise.  There's no way that could be it, right??  I went through a couple of phases over the last 12 yrs since having him where I have lost weight, kept it off for awhile and then it would magically appear again.  Out of nowhere I tell you!!!  It should be a crime!!  I have tried everything: the Slim Fast diet, Metabolife, Herbalife, any and every kind of diet pill you can think of.  I've done the exercising too, problem there is I get bored after awhile.

Back in February I had an asthma mishap that landed me in the doctors office, well we all know what happens when you go to the doctor.  That damn dreaded scale laughs at you and dares you to get on it.  Just standing there smirking back at you as if to mock you.  I'm pretty sure when I stepped on the scale it let out a big UMPH and then almost collapsed from laughing at me so hard.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  Folks, I'm about to admit out loud for all the world to know something I'm very embarrassed about.  The scale screamed back at me 255!!!  I almost fainted on the spot.  More from totally mortification and embarrassment then anything else.  It always feels like the nurses look at you different or judge you when they write that stupid number down in your chart.  I just wanted to look at her and say "I have no idea how that happened".  I'm sure though at that point she might have peed herself from laughing so hard.  Well I vowed to try something at that point, I have NEVER weighed that much in all my life.  I was so disgusted with myself.  Well, I started eating better (and with the okay from my doctor starting taking Hoodia Slim Quick pills) and walking at lunch time.  I was slowly feeling better.  Then my stupid asthma came back with a vengence and I ended up in the ER.  First let me ask this question, why in the heck must they WEIGH you everytime you come in?  I swear that scale mocks me everytime and just loves it.  I got on the stupid scale but this time, well this time I got to say a little UMPH.  I had lost 5lbs in one week.  Now that may not seem like a lot but for me it was.

This started my get up and go, this gave me the drive I needed, this gave me the confidence to think I might be able to actually do this.  I kept walking at lunch, watching what I was eating and taking the Hoodia.  Then I decided that the walking wasn't enough so I bought a workout DVD for the 1st time in years.  And I actually did it.  I had lost 27lbs and was feeling amazing because my clothes were getting to big.  What a rush!!!!

But then it happened.  That dreaded bordom set in.  I was getting tired of doing the same workout in my bedroom.  I needed something new or this was going to backfire completely and I really wanted it to continue.  So I did it, I actually joined a gym.  I didn't think I would actually do that again.  But this time is MUCH different.  I actually have a personal motivator that won't let me back out of it.  His name you ask?  Well his name is Baseball Stud.  Yep, he wants to go to the gym and workout.  He's finally old enough to be on the floor and actually use machines.  And he loves his Mama and knows that she sometimes can't do this all on her own and needs a little shove or maybe sometimes I really hard push.

You see, when I started this single life journey a couple of months ago, I really wanted to work on myself.  I wanted to take better care of ME.  Because until I can love myself and the skin I'm in, I can't truly allow anyone else to love me or me to love them.  I haven't done this before so now seems like as good a time as any other.  The best thing about this time is that I have a little motivator to keep me going.

I will give weekly updates and give my actually weight as well.  I'm not going to ignore it or be embarrassed or pretend it doesn't exist.  I'm a real woman and I'm not afraid anymore to be real.  I hope you enjoy this journey with me.

Before Pictures from my Birthday, 11/13/09